I Think We Have Made Mother Earth Very Angry 

Last night it was an earthquake in Mexico. But not just any earthquake, the strongest in a century. Registering at 8.1 on the Richter scale, this bastard has already killed dozens of people. There will undoubtedly be more.

And then there’s Irma. She’s headed for the Bahamas and Cuba now, but not before pummeling Barbuda, the Virgin Islands, and Puerto Rico, and destroying the Turks and Caicos on her way. Next she’ll move on to Florida. With winds of up to 185 miles an hour, dis bish is one of the strongest storms on record.

And not in a good way.

Coming up on Irma’s tail, is Jose. I just cannot.

Oh and then there’s Harvey. This, the costliest storm in history, buried Southeastern Texas under water deeper than they’ve ever seen. So far “only” 70 lives have been claimed by Harvey. And I only say “only” because after the loss of 1,836 in Katrina, 70 is remarkable. Horrible and horribly remarkable.

California and Oregon are on fire and temps on the West Coast have been so high that the folks of San Francisco, accustomed to August being a season of fog, have had to take their dogs and Blue Bottle coffee to whatever air-conditioned place they can find. No one in the city is prepared for 106. No one. These people don't even have AC. 

It was 113 degrees in the Central Valley last week. Even my desert tortoise, Bernie, was hiding.

I imagine Bernie yelling from under the shaded deck, "WTF IS GOING ON OUT THERE. I’m a desert tortoise not an OVEN tortoise.”

There are terrible things happening everywhere.

If you ask Kirk Cameron, “Hurricanes Are Sent By God For 'Humility, Awe And Repentance'”.

And, “When he puts his power on display, it’s never without reason.”

SAY WHAT, KIRK?

Kirk, can we just go back to the days when you were Mike Seaver? It was a simpler time. You know, before you became a lunatic.

No, I don’t think the good Lord is trying to teach us any kind of lesson here. If anything, this is not the work of the Almighty. He's supposed to be merciful and whatnot. 

I think it’s Mother Earth that’s really upset.

You know how when you like got an F in Calculus because you didn’t study or do your homework and then you had to come home and tell your mom. She wasn’t like “I am SO MAD at you.” No, she was more like, “Well, I guess that’s what you get for not studying. I am really disappointed in you, Greg.” *MIC DROP*

Yeah that's Mother Earth @ all of us right now.

I’m thinking we better get it together real quick before we have to take Calculus all over again. And by “take Calculus all over again,” I mean live in our cars with nothing but two gallons of water and some granola, which is a thing that is really happening.

If an earthquake breaks California off into the ocean, I am SO screwed. I don’t even have a first aid kit.

Immediate action steps:

Stop throwing fireworks and other burning shit into the forest.

You are the reason the air is so dirty that my car is covered in ashes and my kids can’t play outside.

Stop killing each other.

Just stop that crap right now.

And while you're at it, stop using plastic straws.

We use 500,000,000 straws a DAY just in the US. It takes 200 years for a straw to degrade. In the meantime, they end up in a turtle’s nostril.

Just say no. You can drink a soda without spilling it on your lap. I have faith in you.

Stop pretending climate change isn’t real.

The polar ice caps are melting faster than they have in 20,000 years OKAY. All of this dramatically biblical weather is not a coincidence.

But mostly, HELP YOUR FELLOW HUMAN.

Real people are really dying. You can’t seen them, I know. But it’s happening and they need your help. Don’t send them your old clothes. Send money. BE PRACTICAL.

Give a damn before the ice caps drown us all.

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